I can tuck mytits in my pants
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
