if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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