The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
