So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
