why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
