pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
