youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
