Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
