Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
