I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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