Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Michael Bay diarrhea
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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