remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
