she pinky promised me she was 18
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
