Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
