Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
