for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
