her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Me. At least after what I've been through.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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