You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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