I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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