I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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