I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
