I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
