I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
