Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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