I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
