she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
