I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
