Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
