remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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