I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
