ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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