apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
