Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
