Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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