Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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