I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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