plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
