I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
