Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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