Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
