While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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