just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
