The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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