She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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