we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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