You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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