i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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