my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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