the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.