I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine