Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
