If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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