He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
BRING THE BAGELS
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
