I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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