I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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