Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize