I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
