The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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